FC Irlande - Player Profiles

Now that the season is over I thought I'd pay tribute to the lads who have helped make the last two years so successful for this great club.

Chris Jones
Position: Goalkeeper
Strengths: Experience; integrity; sound handling
Weaknesses: Welsh
Moment to remember: Terrific point blank save vs. Etterkjis
Moment to forget: This year’s Six Nations

Peter Johannson
Position: Goalkeeper
Strengths: Size; shot-stopping; booming, Schmiechel-esque voice
Weaknesses: His lower back
Moment to remember: Early season form that saw us top the league
Moment to forget: Sigve’s stag in Madrid when Ross ruined his chances with two stunning Spanish women

Adrian
Position: Defender
Strengths: Tall; fast; composed
Weaknesses: Lives in Waterloo so can’t get pissed after matches
Moment to remember: Cementing a place in the first team in his first season
Moment to forget: Occasional moments of somnambulism

Christian Rasmussen
Position: Defender
Strengths: Height; power; presence; right foot like a traction engine
Weaknesses: Can only enjoy the sweet sound of birdsong if he has a rifle in his hand
Moment to remember: Great last ditch tackle vs. Etterkjis
Moment to forget: Every missed evening with the lads because he had to do “romantic shit” with his girlfriend

Fred Welslau
Position: Defender/Midfielder
Strengths: Tackling; strength; versatility
Weaknesses: Would argue back to a traffic light
Moment to remember: As David prepares to take a corner he says, “just run around guys. I’ll score.” Next thing you know, bang. Goal.
Moment to forget: Red card for two yellow cards in quick succession à la Wayne Rooney vs. Villareal.

Francis Doherty
Position: Defender/Midfielder
Strengths: Smooth passing; Zen-like calmness
Weaknesses: His jacket
Moment to remember: Successive man of the match performances in his first two matches
Moment to forget: Causing the game to be held up for 20 minutes after flooring an opposition player

Enda Rice
Position: Defender
Strengths: Experience; class; composure; flexibility (in terms of being able to touch his toes); a vegetarian wife
Weaknesses: Easier to meg than most defenders due to his long legs
Moment to remember: Stunning 25-yard left-foot strike last season
Moment to forget: Every moment where he has tried to recreate the aforementioned goal

Dave Barrett
Position: Defender
Strengths: Tenacity; fitness; no-nonsense defending
Weaknesses: An overriding passion for something called Gaelic football
Moment to remember: Flooring a Jefke defender with a brutal (but fair) tackle and earning a slap for his troubles, for which the defender was sent off
Moment to forget: Getting into a fight with a hen party at 3am and throwing a glass at them

Alec Elliot
Position: Defender and captain
Strengths: Pace; work rate; ability to play left back without a left foot
Weaknesses: Supports Liverpool
Moment to remember: Dragging the team back to a 2-2 draw at home to Brussels LTC
Moment to forget: Scoring his first goal of the season in the last game…in our net

Yann Leleux
Position: Midfielder/Defender
Strengths: Pace; energy; passing
Weaknesses: Dancing, singing
Moment to remember: Sweet goal late on vs. Laeken Tennis that salvaged a draw
Moment to forget: Bringing his parents to the home loss vs. Brussels British

Charles Cocoual
Position: Midfielder
Strengths: Pace; strength; stamina; fierce shot
Weaknesses: Takes offence to being tackled
Moment to remember: Long range goal and man of the match performance on his debut
Moment to forget: Refusing a girl who was practically begging for it

Mark Cryans
Position: Midfielder
Strengths: Experience; tenacity; tackling; love for the cause
Weaknesses: 14 pints
Moment to remember: Marauding forward last year to get his first goal of the season in our last match
Moment to forget: Every World Cup in which Scotland has participated

Stephen O’Neil
Position: Midfielder
Strengths: Technique; passing
Weaknesses: His right knee
Moment to remember: First half of the season
Moment to forget: The second half spent on the sidelines due to injury

Christophe Gomez
Position: Midfielder
Strengths: Smooth passing; tackling; coaching nous
Weaknesses: Always tells people he’s French when he could easily pass for English
Moment to remember: Fierce 30-yard strike that hit the bar
Moment to forget: Being beaten up in Lincoln

David Martin
Position: Midfielder
Strengths: Touch; technique; set pieces
Weaknesses: English grammar
Moment to remember: Thunderous left-foot strike against Besace
Moment to forget: Red card for talking in Spanish

Pete Sommers
Position: Winger
Strengths: Skill; technique; crossing
Weaknesses: Living in Rotterdam; a girlfriend in Ireland
Moment to remember: Finishing off a brilliant team move at home to Goalois
Moment to forget: The first half of the season (he’s a Spurs fan)

Kieran De Groote
Position: Winger
Strengths: Aerial ability; pace
Weaknesses: Repressed homosexuality
Moment to remember: Equalising with a great header in the last minute at home to Brussels LTC
Moment to forget: An open goal vs. FC Portugal

Alvaro Zabalza
Position: Winger
Strengths: Sweet left foot; passing; crossing
Weaknesses: Blonde Czech wife
Moment to remember: A pin-point cross to Sigve to open the floodgates vs. Besace
Moment to forget: Every very near miss

Sigve Dyrnes
Position: Striker
Strengths: Aerial power; fierce shot
Weaknesses: An unquenchable thirst for whale blood
Moment to remember: Late winner vs. La Lorraine
Moment to forget: Being left in Madrid due to no-one having bought him a ticket home

Sean O’Connor
Position: Striker
Strengths: Tall; strong; powerful
Weaknesses: Golf, cigarettes
Moment to remember: Sweet finish to seal the game vs. Etterkjis
Moment to forget: Missing a near open goal in same match

Pauli Lepisto
Position: Striker
Strengths: Power; technique
Weaknesses: Polish girlfriend with a lust for decorating
Moment to remember: Overhead kick last season
Moment to forget: All the others that never came off

Ross Grainger
Position: Striker
Strengths: Veggie power
Weaknesses: Any willing girl at 3am
Moment to remember: Long range equaliser on debut last season
Moment to forget: Miss vs. Jefke this season