She has green skin.
All we see are hands and face. They're green. Her face is green. A man is talking to her. They're both pensioners. She's a dainty old woman, some kid's great green Grandma. I'm on the metro with her. Crainhem to Montgomery. She's sat across from me, a few seats to the left. Whatever you do, don't look.
We descend at Montgomery. Me, the masses and a lone discoloured citizen. Her green-skinned body slowly but surely transports her to the same tram platform as me, from whence a tram has just left. People glance. A glance is all you can afford. Look any longer and it's like Medusa. Social stone.
It's a sickly green, the kind animators dab on the faces of characters they want to make appear nauseous. Her whole face, her hands.
While we wait a man begins marching up and down the platform. He doesn't look like a freak or crank. He was on the metro in fact, just sitting there like the rest. Now he's out of his cage and he's marching. Not marching exactly, just walking and thrusting his knee up as high as he can. Up and down. Nobody looks. Nobody says anything. He was the man talking to the woman with green skin, discussing whatever such people discuss. The weather, the value of the dollar, cannabis, envy, West Ham goalkeepers.
The green woman gets off at my stop. The green man on the light comes to life and I'm across like a rabbit at dusk. She follows. I know because I glance the people in the cars waiting at the light as I cross and they're not looking at me. They're looking at the old woman with green skin. They can look. Stare if they want. They can ask out loud, did you see that? I can only walk to my flat.
Across the road she turns right as well. I'm in the building now, waiting for the lift to descend, the lift that's smaller than an airport toilet, the lift I'm going to have to share with her because it's coming from the 7th floor and it was made in the 60s and I can see her shuffling her little green feet past the first hedgerow, the second.
Floor two.
Metres now.
Floor one. From the pavement she glances inside. My pale, terrified face catches hers.
Thursday, 29 January 2009
New Year's Resolutions
Last year my single resolution was to be able to touch my toes without bending my knees. I didn't come close. If anything I got further away.
This year my resolutions are:
1) Drink a maximum of two cups of coffee a day. This is hard when you're a teacher.
2) Do at least one cultural thing a month. This month I went to Madrid. Bars, cafés, discos and a Real Madrid lack cultural value when taken individually. As a weekend collection I think I can just about claim it. What I really have in mind are museums, expos, theatre, perhaps even some of that legendary French cinema I've read so much about.
3) Visit at least one town or city in Brussels a month. In a year and a half the only city I've visited of my own accord has been Leuven. The others were Louvain La Neuve and La Hulpe, for a job interview and a funeral respectively. Oh yeah, and Tervuren.
4) Go to the gym at least twice a week. At 67 euros a month I really need to.
5) Read something in French everyday.
With January nearly at an end I can say that I've succeeded in all but number three. It's pathetic when you consider how small Brussels is.
This year my resolutions are:
1) Drink a maximum of two cups of coffee a day. This is hard when you're a teacher.
2) Do at least one cultural thing a month. This month I went to Madrid. Bars, cafés, discos and a Real Madrid lack cultural value when taken individually. As a weekend collection I think I can just about claim it. What I really have in mind are museums, expos, theatre, perhaps even some of that legendary French cinema I've read so much about.
3) Visit at least one town or city in Brussels a month. In a year and a half the only city I've visited of my own accord has been Leuven. The others were Louvain La Neuve and La Hulpe, for a job interview and a funeral respectively. Oh yeah, and Tervuren.
4) Go to the gym at least twice a week. At 67 euros a month I really need to.
5) Read something in French everyday.
With January nearly at an end I can say that I've succeeded in all but number three. It's pathetic when you consider how small Brussels is.
Wednesday, 7 January 2009
The Top 10 episodes of 'The Simpsons' - Part Three
1) Lisa the Vegetarian
Being a long-time vegetarian myself I am slightly biased, but still, no one can deny the brilliance of this episode. Quite simply every single scene is funny, and it even features Paul McCartney and his late wife Linda.
This episode comes from season eight, when the Simpsons had firmly established itself as a different class of sitcom. By this time the writers were far more confident and brazen in parodying social and cultural issues, and they’re at their finest here. The contrast between ignorant, Neolithic Homer (“All normal people like meat Lisa…you don’t win friends with salad”) and stubborn, idealistic Lisa (“I was standing up for a just cause, and you were wrong, wrong, wrong!”) is brilliant.
What also sets this episode apart is the fact that the classic family feud is interspersed with brief, but hilarious cameos from the fringe characters. There’s Ned Flanders and his family BBQ, featuring Jose Flanders, from Spain. “Buenos-ding-dong-didily-dias”; Principal Skinner, “A certain agitator, for privacy sake lets call her Lisa S. No wait, that’s too obvious… L. Simpson”; Chief Wiggum, “Hey Simpson, wing me another one of those burgers… can’t seem to stand up under my own power any more”; Burns and Smithers. “You know Smithers, I think I’ll donate a million dollars to the children’s orphanage…when pigs fly! Muhahaha (Homer’s pig flies past. Mr Burns gasps).” “Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?” “No, I’d still prefer not.”; and, best of all, Troy McClure, in a meat-industry sponsored educational film. “When the cows are just right they get to “graduate” from Bovine University. Come on, Billy. Lets take a look at the killing floor. Don’t let the name throw you, Billy. It’s not really a floor. It’s more of a steal gradient that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.”
This quote comes from arguably the greatest of the many short films of Troy McClure that have appeared in the Simpsons throughout the years. After the absurdly biased film has ended, Lisa says, “they can’t seriously expect us to swallow that tripe!”, to which Principal Skinner replies, “Now as a free treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourself to this tripe.”
The best cameos, the best script, balanced and hilarious parody and classic scenes, this episode has it all.
Best bit:
(The family are eating breakfast the morning after Lisa ruined Homer's BBQ. The atmosphere is tense)
Homer: Marge, since I’m not talking to Lisa, would you kindly ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: (sighs) Lisa would you please pass your father the syrup?
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I’ll only pass him the syrup if it won’t be used on any meat products.
Bart: You dunking your sausage in that syrup Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want a tall glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself; you’re ignoring Lisa.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer first of all you’re not not talking to me, and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Er, dad, Lisa’s the one you’re ignoring.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Lisa: Why don’t you just eat him?!
Homer: I don’t need serving suggestions from you! You barbecue-wrecking-know-nothing-know-it-all!
Lisa: That’s it! I can’t live in a house with this pre-historic carnivore! I am outta here! (She storms out the front door and slams it shut)
Homer: That’s it, go to your room!
Being a long-time vegetarian myself I am slightly biased, but still, no one can deny the brilliance of this episode. Quite simply every single scene is funny, and it even features Paul McCartney and his late wife Linda.
This episode comes from season eight, when the Simpsons had firmly established itself as a different class of sitcom. By this time the writers were far more confident and brazen in parodying social and cultural issues, and they’re at their finest here. The contrast between ignorant, Neolithic Homer (“All normal people like meat Lisa…you don’t win friends with salad”) and stubborn, idealistic Lisa (“I was standing up for a just cause, and you were wrong, wrong, wrong!”) is brilliant.
What also sets this episode apart is the fact that the classic family feud is interspersed with brief, but hilarious cameos from the fringe characters. There’s Ned Flanders and his family BBQ, featuring Jose Flanders, from Spain. “Buenos-ding-dong-didily-dias”; Principal Skinner, “A certain agitator, for privacy sake lets call her Lisa S. No wait, that’s too obvious… L. Simpson”; Chief Wiggum, “Hey Simpson, wing me another one of those burgers… can’t seem to stand up under my own power any more”; Burns and Smithers. “You know Smithers, I think I’ll donate a million dollars to the children’s orphanage…when pigs fly! Muhahaha (Homer’s pig flies past. Mr Burns gasps).” “Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?” “No, I’d still prefer not.”; and, best of all, Troy McClure, in a meat-industry sponsored educational film. “When the cows are just right they get to “graduate” from Bovine University. Come on, Billy. Lets take a look at the killing floor. Don’t let the name throw you, Billy. It’s not really a floor. It’s more of a steal gradient that allows material to sluice through so it can be collected and exported.”
This quote comes from arguably the greatest of the many short films of Troy McClure that have appeared in the Simpsons throughout the years. After the absurdly biased film has ended, Lisa says, “they can’t seriously expect us to swallow that tripe!”, to which Principal Skinner replies, “Now as a free treat, courtesy of our friends at the meat council, please help yourself to this tripe.”
The best cameos, the best script, balanced and hilarious parody and classic scenes, this episode has it all.
Best bit:
(The family are eating breakfast the morning after Lisa ruined Homer's BBQ. The atmosphere is tense)
Homer: Marge, since I’m not talking to Lisa, would you kindly ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: (sighs) Lisa would you please pass your father the syrup?
Lisa: Bart, tell dad I’ll only pass him the syrup if it won’t be used on any meat products.
Bart: You dunking your sausage in that syrup Home boy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want a tall glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself; you’re ignoring Lisa.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer first of all you’re not not talking to me, and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Er, dad, Lisa’s the one you’re ignoring.
Homer: Bart, go to your room.
Lisa: Why don’t you just eat him?!
Homer: I don’t need serving suggestions from you! You barbecue-wrecking-know-nothing-know-it-all!
Lisa: That’s it! I can’t live in a house with this pre-historic carnivore! I am outta here! (She storms out the front door and slams it shut)
Homer: That’s it, go to your room!
The Top 10 episodes of 'The Simpsons' - Part Two
4) Last Exit to Springfield
I’m partial to this episode because it centres around Homer’s struggle with Mr. Burns, and the twisted billionaire power plant owner is, as I said earlier, far and away my favourite character. Here we see him at his greedy, evil and antiquated best.
The episode title is a play on Herby Selby Jr’s 1964 novel, ‘Last Exit to Brooklyn’. One of the six stories within the novel centres on a man who, like Homer, becomes head of an industrial workers’ union. In Homer’s case his quest is to win back the dental plan that Mr. Burns, in his nostalgic avarice, arbitrarily removes from the list of workers’ benefits. When Lisa asks Homer if he thinks he can succeed we get the following exchange:
Homer: Well I guess that’ll come down to who’s the better negotiator, Burns or me.
Bart: Homer I’ll trade you this delicious door-stop for your crummy old danish.
Homer: Done and done. (Pause) D’oh!
Many of the scenes are classic. There’s the one in the dentist’s office where, after Ralph Wiggum lies about how often he brushes, the sadistic dentist shows him ‘The Big Book of British Smiles’, which features a truly hideous – and hilarious – caricature of Prince Charles; or the scene where Burns and Smithers march through a set of elaborate, James Bond-esque security doors on their way to the power plant's central control room, only to arrive at a flimsy, decaying shed where the back door hangs off its hinges and a stray dog has set up home. And of the several cultural references made in the episode (Lisa alone parodies the Beatles’ ‘Yellow Submarine’, the original ‘Batman’ movie and still has time to play a snippet of ‘Classical Gas’), the best is surely Homer parodying Don Fanucci in ‘The Godfather II’, after Bart tells him that being head of the union will help him make lifelong connections to the world of organised crime: “Mmm, organised crime.”
I’ve always said that one of the best things about the Simpsons is the range of comedy the writers use. Here we have it all: the slapstick and stupidity of Homer; parody of iconic pop culture; clever dialogue; an inane family problem twisted to hilarious proportions; quick, subtle jokes; plays on words; and Mr Burns…
Best bit:
(A young Mr Burns tours his Uncle’s atom smashing factory. The year is 1906)
Uncle Burns (to worker): Turn out your pockets! (Worker turns out his pockets. Burns inspects them with a magnifying glass) Atoms! Six of them! Take him away!
Worker (while being dragged away): You can’t treat the working man this way! One day we’ll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we’ll go too far – we’ll become corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Uncle Burns: The Japanese?! Those sandal-wearing, gold-fish tenders?!
3) Mr Spritz goes to Washington
Krusty the Clown runs for Congress at the behest of the Simpson family, who are desperate to get a recently re-routed flight path moved away from their house. As a heartless, power-hungry millionaire he naturally joins the Republican ticket. He goes on FOX News for a debate with his Democratic opponent, and hilarity ensues.
Host (who looks suspiciously like real FOX anchor Bret Hume): Welcome to Fox news. Your voice for evil. Joining our debate tonight from the Republicans, beloved children’s entertainer Krusty the Clown. And for the Democrats this guy.
Democrat: Hey, I have a name.
Host: Yes I’m sure you do, comrade. I’m surprised to see you here tonight. You’re usually so MIRED IN SCANDAL that it must have been hard to make it to the studio.
This episode mocks not just the Republicans and FOX (indeed, questioning whether they need to be mentioned as separate entities), but also Washington, Congress and the entire political process. When it was written the show was, as it still is, untouchable. No other show could so mock its own network and its news channel and get away with it.
Krusty then embarks on a typically patronising and ridiculous election campaign, the kind seen every two years across the pond. Addressing the people of Springfield from his campaign train he asks them to tell him their problems. Moe says, “the government want to shut me down ‘cause the pipes in my floor don’t go nowhere.” Krusty’s solution? “Vote for me and I promise those pipes will lead to a better tomorrow.”
He wins the election, but finds life as a first term Congressman daunting. After trying to introduce his airline bill, a seasoned Congressman tells him, “Freshman Congressman don’t introduce squat. Hell, you gotta pee in a bucket ‘till your second term.”
With the help of the Simpsons, and a cleaner at the Capitol building who looks a lot like Walter Mondale (he was trounced by Ronald Reagan in the 1984 election), the family succeed in getting the bill attached to another bill through the magic of a paperclip.
Best bit:
(During the debate on FOX there is a scrolling news reel at the bottom of the screen, which features the following items): “New study: oil slicks good for seal pups.” “JFK posthumously joins the GOP” “Brad Pitt + Albert Einstein = Dick Cheney” “Do Democrats cause cancer?”
2) Bart Mangled Banner
In recent years the writers have become increasingly merciless in their attacks on the political and cultural idiocy of America. This episode is number two not just because it is the funniest such episode, but because it’s also the most necessary.
The episode attacks what Lisa calls, “the current climate of fear and oppression,” the one that engulfed America in the months and years after the 11th of September attacks.
At the annual teacher-donkey basketball game, Bart shorts are bitten off by a donkey during the playing of the national anthem. With his bare butt pointed straight at the flag, Martin Prince takes a picture. Outrage follows.
Skinner (to Marge and Homer): Thanks for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.
Skinner: I’ll be frank. Bart’s actions offended me, not just as an American, but as a veteran of America’s only losing war.
Homer: To date.
Meanwhile, the local paper has got hold of the picture, and a desperate editor demands that somebody, “blow this story so far out of proportion it’ll make the New York Times look like the New York Post, or the New York Post look like the New York Times. I forget which one the good one is.”
A national scandal soon follows, with the Simpsons branded traitors. They try to clear their name by going on a FOX News talkshow. The belligerent host (a composite of most FOX News talkshow hosts, but who most closely resembles Sean Hannity), after bullying Marge into a corner, asks her, “why do you hate Americans?” To which she angrily replies, “Well if by that you mean loud-mouth talkshow hosts, which everyone seems to be in this country, then yes I do hate Americans.” She defends herself by saying that they are well-loved in Springfield.
Springfield then becomes the source of the country’s zealously patriotic wrath. Desperate to avoid being demonised, the town embarks on a patriotic makeover. The traffic lights are changed to red, white and blue, all prices are changed to $17.76 and the town is renamed Libertyville.
The Simpsons, though, remain hated. With the town loathing their every move, Lisa tries to defend them during mass. Just as she is about the begin FBI officials burst through the stained-glass windows and arrest the whole family, “under the government knows best Act.”
At the ‘Ronald Reagan Reeducation Centre’ the Simpsons are placed with other liberal traitors, such as Michael Moore, the Dixie Chicks, Bill Clinton (“I called the Republican tax cuts unwise”), Elmo (“Elmo went to the wrong fundraiser”) and a man who simply claimed that, “imported wines are better than Napa Valley.”
With Bill Clinton’s help they manage to escape, only to discover that the centre was on Alcatraz. “Lets swim to San Francisco,” suggests Lisa, to which Homer replies, “I’m not made of money. Lets swim to Oakland.” They are picked by a French ship and escape from, “ze country zat saved us twice from ze Germans,” which is an ironic tip o’ the hat to the totally irrational hatred conservative commentators have for France.
The family seem content in France. Homer points out that, “here nobody calls me a fat slob. Here I’m a gourmand,” but eventually return to America on an immigrant ship.
Best Bit
Lisa: America has its grandeur and its follies, but most of all it’s the place where all our stuff is.
I’m partial to this episode because it centres around Homer’s struggle with Mr. Burns, and the twisted billionaire power plant owner is, as I said earlier, far and away my favourite character. Here we see him at his greedy, evil and antiquated best.
The episode title is a play on Herby Selby Jr’s 1964 novel, ‘Last Exit to Brooklyn’. One of the six stories within the novel centres on a man who, like Homer, becomes head of an industrial workers’ union. In Homer’s case his quest is to win back the dental plan that Mr. Burns, in his nostalgic avarice, arbitrarily removes from the list of workers’ benefits. When Lisa asks Homer if he thinks he can succeed we get the following exchange:
Homer: Well I guess that’ll come down to who’s the better negotiator, Burns or me.
Bart: Homer I’ll trade you this delicious door-stop for your crummy old danish.
Homer: Done and done. (Pause) D’oh!
Many of the scenes are classic. There’s the one in the dentist’s office where, after Ralph Wiggum lies about how often he brushes, the sadistic dentist shows him ‘The Big Book of British Smiles’, which features a truly hideous – and hilarious – caricature of Prince Charles; or the scene where Burns and Smithers march through a set of elaborate, James Bond-esque security doors on their way to the power plant's central control room, only to arrive at a flimsy, decaying shed where the back door hangs off its hinges and a stray dog has set up home. And of the several cultural references made in the episode (Lisa alone parodies the Beatles’ ‘Yellow Submarine’, the original ‘Batman’ movie and still has time to play a snippet of ‘Classical Gas’), the best is surely Homer parodying Don Fanucci in ‘The Godfather II’, after Bart tells him that being head of the union will help him make lifelong connections to the world of organised crime: “Mmm, organised crime.”
I’ve always said that one of the best things about the Simpsons is the range of comedy the writers use. Here we have it all: the slapstick and stupidity of Homer; parody of iconic pop culture; clever dialogue; an inane family problem twisted to hilarious proportions; quick, subtle jokes; plays on words; and Mr Burns…
Best bit:
(A young Mr Burns tours his Uncle’s atom smashing factory. The year is 1906)
Uncle Burns (to worker): Turn out your pockets! (Worker turns out his pockets. Burns inspects them with a magnifying glass) Atoms! Six of them! Take him away!
Worker (while being dragged away): You can’t treat the working man this way! One day we’ll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we’ll go too far – we’ll become corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!
Uncle Burns: The Japanese?! Those sandal-wearing, gold-fish tenders?!
3) Mr Spritz goes to Washington
Krusty the Clown runs for Congress at the behest of the Simpson family, who are desperate to get a recently re-routed flight path moved away from their house. As a heartless, power-hungry millionaire he naturally joins the Republican ticket. He goes on FOX News for a debate with his Democratic opponent, and hilarity ensues.
Host (who looks suspiciously like real FOX anchor Bret Hume): Welcome to Fox news. Your voice for evil. Joining our debate tonight from the Republicans, beloved children’s entertainer Krusty the Clown. And for the Democrats this guy.
Democrat: Hey, I have a name.
Host: Yes I’m sure you do, comrade. I’m surprised to see you here tonight. You’re usually so MIRED IN SCANDAL that it must have been hard to make it to the studio.
This episode mocks not just the Republicans and FOX (indeed, questioning whether they need to be mentioned as separate entities), but also Washington, Congress and the entire political process. When it was written the show was, as it still is, untouchable. No other show could so mock its own network and its news channel and get away with it.
Krusty then embarks on a typically patronising and ridiculous election campaign, the kind seen every two years across the pond. Addressing the people of Springfield from his campaign train he asks them to tell him their problems. Moe says, “the government want to shut me down ‘cause the pipes in my floor don’t go nowhere.” Krusty’s solution? “Vote for me and I promise those pipes will lead to a better tomorrow.”
He wins the election, but finds life as a first term Congressman daunting. After trying to introduce his airline bill, a seasoned Congressman tells him, “Freshman Congressman don’t introduce squat. Hell, you gotta pee in a bucket ‘till your second term.”
With the help of the Simpsons, and a cleaner at the Capitol building who looks a lot like Walter Mondale (he was trounced by Ronald Reagan in the 1984 election), the family succeed in getting the bill attached to another bill through the magic of a paperclip.
Best bit:
(During the debate on FOX there is a scrolling news reel at the bottom of the screen, which features the following items): “New study: oil slicks good for seal pups.” “JFK posthumously joins the GOP” “Brad Pitt + Albert Einstein = Dick Cheney” “Do Democrats cause cancer?”
2) Bart Mangled Banner
In recent years the writers have become increasingly merciless in their attacks on the political and cultural idiocy of America. This episode is number two not just because it is the funniest such episode, but because it’s also the most necessary.
The episode attacks what Lisa calls, “the current climate of fear and oppression,” the one that engulfed America in the months and years after the 11th of September attacks.
At the annual teacher-donkey basketball game, Bart shorts are bitten off by a donkey during the playing of the national anthem. With his bare butt pointed straight at the flag, Martin Prince takes a picture. Outrage follows.
Skinner (to Marge and Homer): Thanks for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.
Skinner: I’ll be frank. Bart’s actions offended me, not just as an American, but as a veteran of America’s only losing war.
Homer: To date.
Meanwhile, the local paper has got hold of the picture, and a desperate editor demands that somebody, “blow this story so far out of proportion it’ll make the New York Times look like the New York Post, or the New York Post look like the New York Times. I forget which one the good one is.”
A national scandal soon follows, with the Simpsons branded traitors. They try to clear their name by going on a FOX News talkshow. The belligerent host (a composite of most FOX News talkshow hosts, but who most closely resembles Sean Hannity), after bullying Marge into a corner, asks her, “why do you hate Americans?” To which she angrily replies, “Well if by that you mean loud-mouth talkshow hosts, which everyone seems to be in this country, then yes I do hate Americans.” She defends herself by saying that they are well-loved in Springfield.
Springfield then becomes the source of the country’s zealously patriotic wrath. Desperate to avoid being demonised, the town embarks on a patriotic makeover. The traffic lights are changed to red, white and blue, all prices are changed to $17.76 and the town is renamed Libertyville.
The Simpsons, though, remain hated. With the town loathing their every move, Lisa tries to defend them during mass. Just as she is about the begin FBI officials burst through the stained-glass windows and arrest the whole family, “under the government knows best Act.”
At the ‘Ronald Reagan Reeducation Centre’ the Simpsons are placed with other liberal traitors, such as Michael Moore, the Dixie Chicks, Bill Clinton (“I called the Republican tax cuts unwise”), Elmo (“Elmo went to the wrong fundraiser”) and a man who simply claimed that, “imported wines are better than Napa Valley.”
With Bill Clinton’s help they manage to escape, only to discover that the centre was on Alcatraz. “Lets swim to San Francisco,” suggests Lisa, to which Homer replies, “I’m not made of money. Lets swim to Oakland.” They are picked by a French ship and escape from, “ze country zat saved us twice from ze Germans,” which is an ironic tip o’ the hat to the totally irrational hatred conservative commentators have for France.
The family seem content in France. Homer points out that, “here nobody calls me a fat slob. Here I’m a gourmand,” but eventually return to America on an immigrant ship.
Best Bit
Lisa: America has its grandeur and its follies, but most of all it’s the place where all our stuff is.
Top 10 episodes of 'The Simpsons' - Part One
I’ve been watching the Simpsons since I was 12 years old, and quite simply I think it is the greatest show in the history of television. Some people say Family Guy is better, but those people are idiots. It’s like people who say that FIFA is better than Pro Evo. Family Guy is for people who like inane and irreverent humour, but who don’t want to have to admit they can’t understand some jokes and references, as happens when they watch the Simpsons. Family Guy is funny, but it’s the Simpsons for idiots.
So without further ado, and for no particular reason, I present to you…
My Top 10 Simpsons episodes
10) Old Yeller Belly
The episode begins with Lisa playing with her dolls in a way that only Lisa can. Holding her toy horse she says, “Today Balthazar is going to tell us about global warming in the land beyond the rainbow.” From there it just gets better.
After the tree house is accidentally destroyed by the kids, the Simpsons, with the help of the Amish, build a new one, “one so grand it’ll be an affront to God himself”, according to Homer. At the launch party for the new tree house the wiring, installed by the Amish, causes a fire. While trying to avoid a lawsuit (“By going down the rope ladder you agree not to sue!”) Homer’s legs become trapped, ironically by a giant ice statue of himself. With the fire raging he finds himself in a tight spot; “Head: burning. Legs: freezing. Middle: very pleasant.”
Homer is rescued by the family cat, Snowball II. He then denounces the family dog, Santa’s Little Helper, who opted instead to rescue a roast turkey. Chained up in the garden the dog picks up a can of Homer’s beer with his snout, and the priceless image is captured at the second attempt by a passing paparazzi photographer. Duff beer’s chairmen sees the image and decides to make him the new spokes model.
Duff Executive: He’s young, slim and can stand on his hind legs, unlike our current spokes model (he gestures to a hungover and disheveled Duffman lying on the couch).
Duffman: Duffman could use an eye-opener.
Executive: Take a hike, Duffman. You’re a disgrace to the unitard.
Duffman: You’re firing me? But what about the children of Duffman: Duffgirl and Dufflad?
Executive: Those were just one-time characters in a Superbowl ad.
Duffman: (In a normal voice) Oh yeah.
Duffman is a brilliant character. With his intense voice and references to himself in the third person he can light up an episode with the briefest cameo. Here, however, we see the man behind the outfit speaking in his normal voice. “I’m not Duffman anymore. Just plain old Larry Duffman. Oh yeah.”
Having denounced the now rich and famous pooch, the family lose him to his opportunistic former owner. They vow to win him back through an elaborate charade involving Duffman, one that, predictably, goes completely awry. Spotting a shark in the water just as he’s about to rescue Homer, Duffman falls to his knees and prays. “Are you there God? It’s me: Duffman!”
In the end family and dog are reunited and Homer returns to his normal self vis a vis both pets.
Best bit:
Kent: How long have you been a cat-lover, Mr. Simpson?
Homer: All my life, Kent. I prefer catsup to ketchup. And to me, Yusaf Islam will always be Cat Stevens.
Kent: Hehe, terrific stuff. You must really love the Broadway musical ‘Cats’.
Homer: God, no, it sucks.
9) The Regina Monologues
The Simpsons family have traveled to many parts of the world (Japan, Africa, Brazil, Canada to name a few), but of all the episodes in that ilk this is the best. Some might say that it just relies on exaggerated stereotypes and brief cameos from British celebrities, and that the episode doesn’t have a strong and coherent plot. This is true to an extent, but what a series of cameos!
Before we get to any of that, I must pay homage to the setup, so often the best part of any Simpsons episode. This one centres on Mr. Burns losing his $1000 bill while at the ATM, or as he calls it in his antiquated vernacular, “The automatedtelemachineyolatronamatton.” Genius.
The Simpsons arrive in England and are greeted at the airport by then Prime Minister Tony Blair. He tells the family that since Americans love castles they should visit Edinburgh, “the city where I was born”, to which Homer replies, “The city where I was born is now a ‘gator farm.”
That’s the first of many classic lines from Homer in this episode. The next comes when they arrive at the hotel. He greets the man at the front desk thusly: “We’re big-shot tourists from everyone’s favourite country, the USA. We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant. So give me some free maps and none of that dry British wit.” To which the very stiff-looking doorman dryly replies, “I wouldn’t dream of it, sir.”
Later, after meeting J.K. Rowling and almost killing Sir Ian McKellan, the family find themselves stuck on a busy roundabout. Having turned for hours waiting for a space to appear, Homer takes matters into his own hands. “Screw this, I’m gonna act the way America acts best: unilaterally!” Somewhat inevitably this leads him to rear-ending the Queen’s royal carriage.
Later, in court, the Queen (wearing a jewel-encrusted neck brace after her accident) stuns the courthouse by delivering the following speech: “I haven’t had an easy life. I’ve seen my country ravaged by war, my family torn by tragedy and yesterday, as I innocently made my way to the shop to buy light bulbs, I was blindsided by this lumbering brute.”
An awe-struck Homer says, “Wow she’s good. If she were a hundred years younger and I were a hundred years older… hehehe.”
After Homer unsuccessfully attempts to escape from the Tower of London the family are eventually allowed to leave the country in exchange for taking Madonna back to the US.
Best bit:
(Bart and Lisa are lying in the street somewhere in London, dazed and ragged after eating too much chocolate. Two men in tuxedos and top hats walk past)
Top-hatted aristocrat no.1: Oh, look at those filthy urchins. Surely they could never be taught proper manners.
Top-hatted aristocrat no.2: One gold sovereign says I could do just that.
Top-hatted aristocrat no.1: Oh, it’s a bet Lord Daftwager
Homer: Hey, you can’t bet on my kids! This is America, pal! (He takes the kids away)
Top-hatted aristocrat no.2: Don’t worry. There’ll be more wagers.
Top-hatted aristocrat no.1: I love you, Lord Daftwager.
Top-hatted aristocrat no.2: Yes, and I you (they start kissing).
8) The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
In many Simpsons episodes the first ten minutes are brilliant, but the main plot development is a bit weaker. In this episode the setup is hilarious and the main plot just as good, if not better.
The setup centres on a classic bit of parenting from Homer. He takes Bart, Lisa, Rod and Tod to the movies, intending to see ‘The Wild Dingleberries’ (“It’s a film version of a cartoon family you can see for free on TV…but they stretched out the plot and added a wildebeest – from the hood!”), but the only films that aren’t sold out are ‘Teenage Sex Wager’ and ‘The Redeadening’. Homer chooses the latter.
It’s a merciless mockup of the absurd horror movies that have poisoned cinema screens for years. In the first scene a slightly deranged-looking adolescent girl rocks on her chair while speaking to her equally deranged-looking doll.
“What’s that baby button eyes? You want me to kill mumsy? But she’s ever so kind. What? Your buttons came from the trousers of a psychotic killer? Then I have no choice!”
The film happens to feature Lenny as a gardener in the haunted mansion. It’s been a running gag in the show for a few years now to have Lenny suffer terrible accidents to his eyes. In the film a possessed Baby Button Eyes attacks Lenny and brutally sews buttons to his eyes as he screams “the prophecy has been fulfilled!” Lenny reassures us that, “the buttons look like they’re sewn to my eyes, but they’re actually just melted on with hot wax.”
The children are traumatised, and that night are convinced they can hear the same distinct faint wailings from the film coming from their attic. It turns out to be Arty Ziff. He is squatting in the family’s attic after losing all his money in the dotcom collapse.
It turns out that he’s not just hiding to avoid disgrace, but also to avoid being arrested for insider trading. After losing all his shares in the company to Homer in a poker game, the police arrive. As the new majority shareholder, Homer is promptly arrested.
He is eventually freed when Arty agrees to own up and take the blame. We are led to believe that this is the last we’ll ever see of him when, newly arrived in prison, he begins extinguishing all the inmates’ cigarettes.
Best bit:
(Homer is at a Senate indictment hearing. His lawyer is sat beside him and, after Homer is asked a question, whispers something in his ear)
Homer: Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what? (Lawyer whispers again) Plead the fifth amen-what? (Lawyer whispers again) Inseminate myself?! (Whispering loudly to the officials) Dudes, I think this guy’s coming on to me!
Lawyer: Ugh. You sir are a moron!
Homer: A Mormon? But I’m from earth!
7) Deep Space Homer
This episode comes from what many believe to be the classic years of the Simpsons. I’d agree, except that, in my opinion, they’re all classic years.
It begins with the worker of the week award at the nuclear plant. Everyone in the plant but Homer has won the award already, and this week Homer is sure it will be him. Why? “Rule six of the employee handbook: Every employee must win worker of the week at least once, regardless of incompetence, obesity or rank odour.” He loses to an inanimate carbon rod.
Still humiliated, he is watching TV at home when another boring space launch comes on. He tries desperately to change the channel before the inanity of the commentators overwhelms him (“Lets meet our crew. Oh, they’re a colourful bunch. There’s a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician.”). With the batteries in the remote dead, he is in a blind panic until Bart dives and pulls the plug out just in time.
At NASA headquarters the board are horrified that the ratings for the launch are the lowest ever (“We’ve been beaten by ‘A Connie Chung Christmas’!”). They discuss ideas for boosting their popularity, one of which is to tell the public the big secret: “that all those chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent”, at which point a chimpanzee, wearing a suit and smoking a pipe, swivels round in his chair and says with a posh English accent, “No I don’t think we’ll be telling them that”. He then roller-skates out the room.
They decide that the best way to boost ratings is to send an average American Joe into space. After viewing ‘Home Improvement’ and ‘Married With Children’ they conclude that they need “a blue-collar slob”. Right on cue, the phone in the boardroom rings. It’s Homer, slightly drunk at Moe’s. ready to vent his anger at NASA’s boring space launches. “Now I’m just your average blue-collar slob, but I knows what I likes on TV”.
After a comical mix-up, both he and Barney are sent away to space camp. When Barney crashes out of the course in a drunken stupour, Homer is left as the man to lead average America into space.
Accompanying Homer into space are Buzz Aldrin and Race Banyon. After surviving the launch things start to go wrong when Homer opens a bag of crisps he smuggled aboard. While floating around trying to catch them he smashes into the on-board ant colony, sending debris everywhere. The immediate effect is that their experiment is ruined (“You fool! Now we may never know if ants can be trained to sort tiny screws in space!”). The more pressing problem is the equipment short circuits.
In the midst of this emergency the folks at NASA announce they have arranged for singer James Taylor to give them a special concert. The astronauts try to tell Taylor that, in their current crisis, this is not the best time for his “unique blend of bittersweet folk rock”, but he retorts: “Look guys, I’m not as chilled out as everyone thinks. Now I’m gonna play my music, and you guys are gonna flight there and like it.”
They hatch a plan to remove the debris, one that Homer ruins, resulting in a broken door handle. They survive the re-entry by accidentally jamming it shut with an inanimate carbon rod, identical to the one that thwarted Homer at the beginning of the episode. The Rod receives all the credit when they arrive back safely on earth (Time magazine features it on its cover with the title ‘In Rod We Trust’) and Homer is left to rue his mistakes.
Best bit:
(Having seen what appear to be giant ants taking over the spaceship, Kent Brockman is interviewing a TV psychologist about the impending apocalypse)
Kent: Would you say it’s time for everyone to start cracking open each others heads like ripe melons to feast on the goo inside?
Psychologist: Yes I would Kent.
6) Who Shot Mr Burns (parts one and two)
OK, technically this is two episodes, but as one coherent plot I think we can get away with it. This classic episode remains the only two-parter in the history of the show, and comes in at number six as the first episode to feature on my favourite character, Mr Burns.
Here we see Mr Burns enter the world of “cartoonish super villainy”. Springfield Elementary embarks on a lavish spending plan after striking oil (Groundskeeper Willie: “A crystal slop bucket”; Otto: “You know those guitars that are, like, double-guitars, you know?; Ralph Wiggum: “Chocolate microscopes.”). It’s a great day for the town, but Mr Burns is incensed: “A non-profit organisation with oil?! I won’t allow it!” He builds his own drill and robs the school of their “wildest educational fantasies”. In the process he accidentally causes a landslide in the retirement home, forces Moe’s to close due to the toxic fumes and breaks Santa’s Little Helper’s leg. In an unrelated, but equally hilarious outrage, he continually forgets Homer’s name, even when he is standing right in front of him wearing a name badge.
Despite his oil billions, Mr Burns is not content. “Not while my greatest nemesis still provides our customers with free light, heat and energy. I call this enemy the sun.” It sounds radical, but he reasons that, “since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out.” His normally loyal lackey, Smithers, objects, and is fired.
His plan goes ahead, to the outrage of the townspeople. They gather for a town hall meeting, and when Mr Burns shows up they all call for his head. He shrugs off their outrage, saying that nobody would dare stand up to him.
Leaving the meeting, a mysterious sequence unfolds, and Mr Burns ends up being shot. He collapses on the sun dial and the fun begins.
In part two we get a song from Tito Puente, a Basic Instinct style interrogation of Groundskeeper Willie in a kilt and a parody of The Fugitive as Homer, arrested for the murder, escapes from the police.
It turns out that the shooter was Maggie. Having being thwarted from stealing candy from a baby earlier in the episode he spots Maggie alone in the family car with a lollipop. As he tries vainly to pull it from her grasp (recall his failed attempt to pull his bear Bobo from her in ‘Rosebud’) the gun falls into her lap and accidentally goes off.
Best bit:
(Moe is hooked up to a lie detector in a police interrogation room )
Policeman: Did you hold a grudge against C. Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No (machine buzzes). All right maybe I did, but I didn’t kill him (machine pings).
Policeman: All right you’re free to go.
Moe: Good ‘cause I got a hot date tonight (buzz). Er, date (buzz). Dinner with friends (buzz). Dinner alone (buzz). Watching TV alone (buzz). All right! I’m gonna sit at home and oggle the women in the Victoria Secret catalogue (buzz). Sears catalogue (ping). Now can you unhook me from this thing please! I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment (buzz).
5) I Am Furious Yellow
Drawing on the Simpsons writers’ love of comic books (especially Marvel Comics), this episode is a loving tribute to the Hulk (and its creator Stan Lee), a scathing critique of the pervasive childishness of the internet’s early days and the total lack of business sense with which many of its offerings were made.
Bart is awed by a guest speaker at his school, who tells the kids that, as the animator for a children’s cartoon show, he spends most of his time, “eating candy and going to R-rated movies”. Bart creates a comic book hero based on Homer: Angry Dad. The cartoon is a hit and Bart is quickly approached by a young entrepreneur who says simply that, “I’m from the internet”. He wants to put Angry Dad online. Bart is only too happy, but Lisa, after viewing some of their similarly trivial cartoons (like ‘Bin Laden in a Blender’) is a little more cautious:
Lisa: How is your company going to make money? Do you have a business model?
Internet entrepreneur: How much stock is it going to take to end this conversation?
Lisa: Two million.
Entrepreneur: (Handing her a pile of stocks) It is done.
The issue of slap-happy stock giveaway comes up later as they wait for the first episode to be uploaded onto the website.
Entrepreneur: In two minutes you’ll be an internet sensation.
Bart: Two minutes? I can’t wait that long!
Entrepreneur: To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock (he gestures to the wall, where the stock is hanging from it like toilet paper. Bart pulls off reams of it).
The cartoon becomes an internet sensation. Lenny tells Homer that he’s the internet’s number one non-porno website, “which makes you ten trillionth overall”. Enraged by his humiliation, Homer is ready to maul Bart. Instead, the family convince him he has rage issues and that he needs to reform. Using, “candles, soft music and horse tranquilizers”, he succeeds. This is bad news for Bart. Desperate for material, he hatches an elaborate plan to put Homer into an almighty rage. Just as the plan is coming to fruition he discovers that the internet startup that made him famous has gone bust and the stock is worth zero. “Zero?! But I have 32 million shares! What’s 32 million times by zero? And don’t tell me it’s zero!”
Homer’s rage brings him downtown. Covered in green paint and with his clothes torn, he begins wreaking havoc. The police eventually subdue him and all is forgiven.
Best Bit:
(Millhouse and Bart arrived at their dotcom’s office only to find that it has gone bust)
Bart: What happened?!
Repo man: Ah they went belly-up like all the other internet companies. But it’s a golden age for the repo man, one that shall never end (he lights a cigar with a $50 bill).
So without further ado, and for no particular reason, I present to you…
My Top 10 Simpsons episodes
10) Old Yeller Belly
The episode begins with Lisa playing with her dolls in a way that only Lisa can. Holding her toy horse she says, “Today Balthazar is going to tell us about global warming in the land beyond the rainbow.” From there it just gets better.
After the tree house is accidentally destroyed by the kids, the Simpsons, with the help of the Amish, build a new one, “one so grand it’ll be an affront to God himself”, according to Homer. At the launch party for the new tree house the wiring, installed by the Amish, causes a fire. While trying to avoid a lawsuit (“By going down the rope ladder you agree not to sue!”) Homer’s legs become trapped, ironically by a giant ice statue of himself. With the fire raging he finds himself in a tight spot; “Head: burning. Legs: freezing. Middle: very pleasant.”
Homer is rescued by the family cat, Snowball II. He then denounces the family dog, Santa’s Little Helper, who opted instead to rescue a roast turkey. Chained up in the garden the dog picks up a can of Homer’s beer with his snout, and the priceless image is captured at the second attempt by a passing paparazzi photographer. Duff beer’s chairmen sees the image and decides to make him the new spokes model.
Duff Executive: He’s young, slim and can stand on his hind legs, unlike our current spokes model (he gestures to a hungover and disheveled Duffman lying on the couch).
Duffman: Duffman could use an eye-opener.
Executive: Take a hike, Duffman. You’re a disgrace to the unitard.
Duffman: You’re firing me? But what about the children of Duffman: Duffgirl and Dufflad?
Executive: Those were just one-time characters in a Superbowl ad.
Duffman: (In a normal voice) Oh yeah.
Duffman is a brilliant character. With his intense voice and references to himself in the third person he can light up an episode with the briefest cameo. Here, however, we see the man behind the outfit speaking in his normal voice. “I’m not Duffman anymore. Just plain old Larry Duffman. Oh yeah.”
Having denounced the now rich and famous pooch, the family lose him to his opportunistic former owner. They vow to win him back through an elaborate charade involving Duffman, one that, predictably, goes completely awry. Spotting a shark in the water just as he’s about to rescue Homer, Duffman falls to his knees and prays. “Are you there God? It’s me: Duffman!”
In the end family and dog are reunited and Homer returns to his normal self vis a vis both pets.
Best bit:
Kent: How long have you been a cat-lover, Mr. Simpson?
Homer: All my life, Kent. I prefer catsup to ketchup. And to me, Yusaf Islam will always be Cat Stevens.
Kent: Hehe, terrific stuff. You must really love the Broadway musical ‘Cats’.
Homer: God, no, it sucks.
9) The Regina Monologues
The Simpsons family have traveled to many parts of the world (Japan, Africa, Brazil, Canada to name a few), but of all the episodes in that ilk this is the best. Some might say that it just relies on exaggerated stereotypes and brief cameos from British celebrities, and that the episode doesn’t have a strong and coherent plot. This is true to an extent, but what a series of cameos!
Before we get to any of that, I must pay homage to the setup, so often the best part of any Simpsons episode. This one centres on Mr. Burns losing his $1000 bill while at the ATM, or as he calls it in his antiquated vernacular, “The automatedtelemachineyolatronamatton.” Genius.
The Simpsons arrive in England and are greeted at the airport by then Prime Minister Tony Blair. He tells the family that since Americans love castles they should visit Edinburgh, “the city where I was born”, to which Homer replies, “The city where I was born is now a ‘gator farm.”
That’s the first of many classic lines from Homer in this episode. The next comes when they arrive at the hotel. He greets the man at the front desk thusly: “We’re big-shot tourists from everyone’s favourite country, the USA. We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant. So give me some free maps and none of that dry British wit.” To which the very stiff-looking doorman dryly replies, “I wouldn’t dream of it, sir.”
Later, after meeting J.K. Rowling and almost killing Sir Ian McKellan, the family find themselves stuck on a busy roundabout. Having turned for hours waiting for a space to appear, Homer takes matters into his own hands. “Screw this, I’m gonna act the way America acts best: unilaterally!” Somewhat inevitably this leads him to rear-ending the Queen’s royal carriage.
Later, in court, the Queen (wearing a jewel-encrusted neck brace after her accident) stuns the courthouse by delivering the following speech: “I haven’t had an easy life. I’ve seen my country ravaged by war, my family torn by tragedy and yesterday, as I innocently made my way to the shop to buy light bulbs, I was blindsided by this lumbering brute.”
An awe-struck Homer says, “Wow she’s good. If she were a hundred years younger and I were a hundred years older… hehehe.”
After Homer unsuccessfully attempts to escape from the Tower of London the family are eventually allowed to leave the country in exchange for taking Madonna back to the US.
Best bit:
(Bart and Lisa are lying in the street somewhere in London, dazed and ragged after eating too much chocolate. Two men in tuxedos and top hats walk past)
Top-hatted aristocrat no.1: Oh, look at those filthy urchins. Surely they could never be taught proper manners.
Top-hatted aristocrat no.2: One gold sovereign says I could do just that.
Top-hatted aristocrat no.1: Oh, it’s a bet Lord Daftwager
Homer: Hey, you can’t bet on my kids! This is America, pal! (He takes the kids away)
Top-hatted aristocrat no.2: Don’t worry. There’ll be more wagers.
Top-hatted aristocrat no.1: I love you, Lord Daftwager.
Top-hatted aristocrat no.2: Yes, and I you (they start kissing).
8) The Ziff Who Came to Dinner
In many Simpsons episodes the first ten minutes are brilliant, but the main plot development is a bit weaker. In this episode the setup is hilarious and the main plot just as good, if not better.
The setup centres on a classic bit of parenting from Homer. He takes Bart, Lisa, Rod and Tod to the movies, intending to see ‘The Wild Dingleberries’ (“It’s a film version of a cartoon family you can see for free on TV…but they stretched out the plot and added a wildebeest – from the hood!”), but the only films that aren’t sold out are ‘Teenage Sex Wager’ and ‘The Redeadening’. Homer chooses the latter.
It’s a merciless mockup of the absurd horror movies that have poisoned cinema screens for years. In the first scene a slightly deranged-looking adolescent girl rocks on her chair while speaking to her equally deranged-looking doll.
“What’s that baby button eyes? You want me to kill mumsy? But she’s ever so kind. What? Your buttons came from the trousers of a psychotic killer? Then I have no choice!”
The film happens to feature Lenny as a gardener in the haunted mansion. It’s been a running gag in the show for a few years now to have Lenny suffer terrible accidents to his eyes. In the film a possessed Baby Button Eyes attacks Lenny and brutally sews buttons to his eyes as he screams “the prophecy has been fulfilled!” Lenny reassures us that, “the buttons look like they’re sewn to my eyes, but they’re actually just melted on with hot wax.”
The children are traumatised, and that night are convinced they can hear the same distinct faint wailings from the film coming from their attic. It turns out to be Arty Ziff. He is squatting in the family’s attic after losing all his money in the dotcom collapse.
It turns out that he’s not just hiding to avoid disgrace, but also to avoid being arrested for insider trading. After losing all his shares in the company to Homer in a poker game, the police arrive. As the new majority shareholder, Homer is promptly arrested.
He is eventually freed when Arty agrees to own up and take the blame. We are led to believe that this is the last we’ll ever see of him when, newly arrived in prison, he begins extinguishing all the inmates’ cigarettes.
Best bit:
(Homer is at a Senate indictment hearing. His lawyer is sat beside him and, after Homer is asked a question, whispers something in his ear)
Homer: Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what? (Lawyer whispers again) Plead the fifth amen-what? (Lawyer whispers again) Inseminate myself?! (Whispering loudly to the officials) Dudes, I think this guy’s coming on to me!
Lawyer: Ugh. You sir are a moron!
Homer: A Mormon? But I’m from earth!
7) Deep Space Homer
This episode comes from what many believe to be the classic years of the Simpsons. I’d agree, except that, in my opinion, they’re all classic years.
It begins with the worker of the week award at the nuclear plant. Everyone in the plant but Homer has won the award already, and this week Homer is sure it will be him. Why? “Rule six of the employee handbook: Every employee must win worker of the week at least once, regardless of incompetence, obesity or rank odour.” He loses to an inanimate carbon rod.
Still humiliated, he is watching TV at home when another boring space launch comes on. He tries desperately to change the channel before the inanity of the commentators overwhelms him (“Lets meet our crew. Oh, they’re a colourful bunch. There’s a mathematician, a different kind of mathematician and a statistician.”). With the batteries in the remote dead, he is in a blind panic until Bart dives and pulls the plug out just in time.
At NASA headquarters the board are horrified that the ratings for the launch are the lowest ever (“We’ve been beaten by ‘A Connie Chung Christmas’!”). They discuss ideas for boosting their popularity, one of which is to tell the public the big secret: “that all those chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent”, at which point a chimpanzee, wearing a suit and smoking a pipe, swivels round in his chair and says with a posh English accent, “No I don’t think we’ll be telling them that”. He then roller-skates out the room.
They decide that the best way to boost ratings is to send an average American Joe into space. After viewing ‘Home Improvement’ and ‘Married With Children’ they conclude that they need “a blue-collar slob”. Right on cue, the phone in the boardroom rings. It’s Homer, slightly drunk at Moe’s. ready to vent his anger at NASA’s boring space launches. “Now I’m just your average blue-collar slob, but I knows what I likes on TV”.
After a comical mix-up, both he and Barney are sent away to space camp. When Barney crashes out of the course in a drunken stupour, Homer is left as the man to lead average America into space.
Accompanying Homer into space are Buzz Aldrin and Race Banyon. After surviving the launch things start to go wrong when Homer opens a bag of crisps he smuggled aboard. While floating around trying to catch them he smashes into the on-board ant colony, sending debris everywhere. The immediate effect is that their experiment is ruined (“You fool! Now we may never know if ants can be trained to sort tiny screws in space!”). The more pressing problem is the equipment short circuits.
In the midst of this emergency the folks at NASA announce they have arranged for singer James Taylor to give them a special concert. The astronauts try to tell Taylor that, in their current crisis, this is not the best time for his “unique blend of bittersweet folk rock”, but he retorts: “Look guys, I’m not as chilled out as everyone thinks. Now I’m gonna play my music, and you guys are gonna flight there and like it.”
They hatch a plan to remove the debris, one that Homer ruins, resulting in a broken door handle. They survive the re-entry by accidentally jamming it shut with an inanimate carbon rod, identical to the one that thwarted Homer at the beginning of the episode. The Rod receives all the credit when they arrive back safely on earth (Time magazine features it on its cover with the title ‘In Rod We Trust’) and Homer is left to rue his mistakes.
Best bit:
(Having seen what appear to be giant ants taking over the spaceship, Kent Brockman is interviewing a TV psychologist about the impending apocalypse)
Kent: Would you say it’s time for everyone to start cracking open each others heads like ripe melons to feast on the goo inside?
Psychologist: Yes I would Kent.
6) Who Shot Mr Burns (parts one and two)
OK, technically this is two episodes, but as one coherent plot I think we can get away with it. This classic episode remains the only two-parter in the history of the show, and comes in at number six as the first episode to feature on my favourite character, Mr Burns.
Here we see Mr Burns enter the world of “cartoonish super villainy”. Springfield Elementary embarks on a lavish spending plan after striking oil (Groundskeeper Willie: “A crystal slop bucket”; Otto: “You know those guitars that are, like, double-guitars, you know?; Ralph Wiggum: “Chocolate microscopes.”). It’s a great day for the town, but Mr Burns is incensed: “A non-profit organisation with oil?! I won’t allow it!” He builds his own drill and robs the school of their “wildest educational fantasies”. In the process he accidentally causes a landslide in the retirement home, forces Moe’s to close due to the toxic fumes and breaks Santa’s Little Helper’s leg. In an unrelated, but equally hilarious outrage, he continually forgets Homer’s name, even when he is standing right in front of him wearing a name badge.
Despite his oil billions, Mr Burns is not content. “Not while my greatest nemesis still provides our customers with free light, heat and energy. I call this enemy the sun.” It sounds radical, but he reasons that, “since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out.” His normally loyal lackey, Smithers, objects, and is fired.
His plan goes ahead, to the outrage of the townspeople. They gather for a town hall meeting, and when Mr Burns shows up they all call for his head. He shrugs off their outrage, saying that nobody would dare stand up to him.
Leaving the meeting, a mysterious sequence unfolds, and Mr Burns ends up being shot. He collapses on the sun dial and the fun begins.
In part two we get a song from Tito Puente, a Basic Instinct style interrogation of Groundskeeper Willie in a kilt and a parody of The Fugitive as Homer, arrested for the murder, escapes from the police.
It turns out that the shooter was Maggie. Having being thwarted from stealing candy from a baby earlier in the episode he spots Maggie alone in the family car with a lollipop. As he tries vainly to pull it from her grasp (recall his failed attempt to pull his bear Bobo from her in ‘Rosebud’) the gun falls into her lap and accidentally goes off.
Best bit:
(Moe is hooked up to a lie detector in a police interrogation room )
Policeman: Did you hold a grudge against C. Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No (machine buzzes). All right maybe I did, but I didn’t kill him (machine pings).
Policeman: All right you’re free to go.
Moe: Good ‘cause I got a hot date tonight (buzz). Er, date (buzz). Dinner with friends (buzz). Dinner alone (buzz). Watching TV alone (buzz). All right! I’m gonna sit at home and oggle the women in the Victoria Secret catalogue (buzz). Sears catalogue (ping). Now can you unhook me from this thing please! I don’t deserve this kind of shabby treatment (buzz).
5) I Am Furious Yellow
Drawing on the Simpsons writers’ love of comic books (especially Marvel Comics), this episode is a loving tribute to the Hulk (and its creator Stan Lee), a scathing critique of the pervasive childishness of the internet’s early days and the total lack of business sense with which many of its offerings were made.
Bart is awed by a guest speaker at his school, who tells the kids that, as the animator for a children’s cartoon show, he spends most of his time, “eating candy and going to R-rated movies”. Bart creates a comic book hero based on Homer: Angry Dad. The cartoon is a hit and Bart is quickly approached by a young entrepreneur who says simply that, “I’m from the internet”. He wants to put Angry Dad online. Bart is only too happy, but Lisa, after viewing some of their similarly trivial cartoons (like ‘Bin Laden in a Blender’) is a little more cautious:
Lisa: How is your company going to make money? Do you have a business model?
Internet entrepreneur: How much stock is it going to take to end this conversation?
Lisa: Two million.
Entrepreneur: (Handing her a pile of stocks) It is done.
The issue of slap-happy stock giveaway comes up later as they wait for the first episode to be uploaded onto the website.
Entrepreneur: In two minutes you’ll be an internet sensation.
Bart: Two minutes? I can’t wait that long!
Entrepreneur: To pass the time, help yourself to some more stock (he gestures to the wall, where the stock is hanging from it like toilet paper. Bart pulls off reams of it).
The cartoon becomes an internet sensation. Lenny tells Homer that he’s the internet’s number one non-porno website, “which makes you ten trillionth overall”. Enraged by his humiliation, Homer is ready to maul Bart. Instead, the family convince him he has rage issues and that he needs to reform. Using, “candles, soft music and horse tranquilizers”, he succeeds. This is bad news for Bart. Desperate for material, he hatches an elaborate plan to put Homer into an almighty rage. Just as the plan is coming to fruition he discovers that the internet startup that made him famous has gone bust and the stock is worth zero. “Zero?! But I have 32 million shares! What’s 32 million times by zero? And don’t tell me it’s zero!”
Homer’s rage brings him downtown. Covered in green paint and with his clothes torn, he begins wreaking havoc. The police eventually subdue him and all is forgiven.
Best Bit:
(Millhouse and Bart arrived at their dotcom’s office only to find that it has gone bust)
Bart: What happened?!
Repo man: Ah they went belly-up like all the other internet companies. But it’s a golden age for the repo man, one that shall never end (he lights a cigar with a $50 bill).
Sunday, 4 January 2009
New Rules
I'm a huge fan of the American comedian Bill Maher (you can find a link to his website below). He used to host a show called Politically Incorrect with Bill Maher, but was fired when he made some unpleasantly true statements about cowardice after the 11th of September attacks. He now hosts a show on HBO called Real Time with Bill Maher. At the end of the show he has a segment called New Rules, in which he slates various aspects of politics and popular culture. I can't think of a better way to express my feelings about the following two items, so I'm going to borrow his. Hope you don't mind, Bill. I'm your biggest fan.
New Rule: Football pundits and commentators must stop using the phrase "so called Big Four'. There is no "so called" about it. Man Utd, Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal have finished in the top four in each of the last three seasons and, despite Aston Villa's improvement, will probably do so again this season.
New Rule: You're only allowed to show fit women in the crowd during an international tournament, i.e. when Sweden are playing. Stop scraping the barrel during an FA Cup tie in January for a shot of a fit woman, thinking that some bloke at home is going to say, "phwa, fancy a bit of that I reckon", and go out to watch his local side.
New Rule: Football pundits and commentators must stop using the phrase "so called Big Four'. There is no "so called" about it. Man Utd, Chelsea, Liverpool and Arsenal have finished in the top four in each of the last three seasons and, despite Aston Villa's improvement, will probably do so again this season.
New Rule: You're only allowed to show fit women in the crowd during an international tournament, i.e. when Sweden are playing. Stop scraping the barrel during an FA Cup tie in January for a shot of a fit woman, thinking that some bloke at home is going to say, "phwa, fancy a bit of that I reckon", and go out to watch his local side.
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